Meeting The Family
by RonChee
Summary: Harry Potter as much as he tried was never normal, so why should his love be any different? Watch as Harry brings home an assortment of oddities to introduce to his family. A snippet and one-shot selection of tales that will horrify, disgust and hopefully amuse you.
1. A Little Fishy

Harry Potter always knew he was different- the Dursleys sure told him often enough.

Rather than cringe away from freakishness, he embraced it, having given up on obtaining the love of his family long ago, or really love at all.

It was an amazing whirlwind of romance when he met Sally. He didn't think it would work out, but they just clicked as she helped him rescue his hostage- conveniently Ronald Weasley instead of a girl, that would have been rather awkward.

Communication was hard at first, but they worked it out.

People thought he just liked the water, but mostly he just liked Sally.

They had just thought him odd, until he became Hogwarts Keeper of Keys and Grounds to stay close to his love.

Somehow they had managed to keep their relationship secret, but he knew it couldn't last.

So sure enough, when one day Sally slapped the water on and off, and as he translated the splashes into words, he wasn't as shocked as he thought he'd be.

"You sure you want to meet my family? I mean, they're rather horrible people..."

A single resounding splash was Harry's only answer.

Sighing he shrugged, "Alright."

The portkey landed them in front of number four, and as he nervously knocked the neighbors were staring,

A tentacle wound about his waist comforting him.

"You! What are you doing here boy! I thought we were well rid of you!" Petunia Dursley screetched.

Harry blinked, "Still the same lovely person as ever I see. My fiance wanted to meet you lot-" He gestured, and Petunia screamed finally noticing Hogwart's very own giant squid.

* * *

"How?" Dudley asked again for the 20th time.

"I told you Big D, she really is very nice- you've just got to get to know her."

Sally was mostly in the kitchen, though a tentacle slapped hard a few times on the floor.

"Oh, she says you mean, well, physically." A blushing Harry Potter started, "Well, the first thing you've got to know is those tentacles are amazingly flexible and surprisingly sensitive-"

A near comatose Vernon Dursley managed a whimper in the corner of the room. Petunia had long since gone running off into the night, never to be seen again.


	2. Wet N Wild

"Oh, you make me so wet..." Samantha's beautiful voice like a melody filled Harry's ears uplifting his mood.

"Well, I bloody hope so Samantha." Harry said, amused as the residents of the bland cookie cutter neighborhood stared horrified, more than a few clutching their ears.

There were so many things wrong with the situation, that they could hardly decide what to be most offended with.

It wasn't every day that a man poured water on a poor wheel chair bound girl after all- even less that she seemingly enjoyed it and made lewd comments about it, not that they would have understood it.

He'd really have to figure out a better solution for outings like this. Maybe a giant fish tank on wheels?

Knocking on the door filled Harry with more than a bit of trepidation, if it were up to him he'd never see this house ever again.

"Yes yes, hold on to you teats I'm coming, better not be another blood solicitor-" Uncle Vernon shouted until he threw open the door only to stare at the boy with rising fury, "You! I thought we told you we didn't want anything more to do with your kind-"

"Wow, he's a bit of an asshole isn't he?" Samantha said, giggling.

Harry smiled too even as Vernon fell down clutching his ears.

* * *

Taking advantage of his Uncle's preoccupation he maneuvered the wheel chair into the living room.

Transfiguring it into a large tub and filling it with water from his wand was easy enough.

"My carpets! What are you bloody doing you little freak!" Petunia snarled and shouted from the door, arms full of groceries.

"Huh? Oh, oops, so sorry, hadn't noticed." Harry said upon figuring out she meant the water he had flooded the living room floor with- a complete accident of course- that's his story and he's sticking to it.

"What the bloody hell are you even doing here- out, get out!" Petunia shouted as Vernon finally pulled his mas up.

"I just wanted to introduce you to your niece-in-law, oh, almost forgot to remove the glamour."

Waving his wand and pointing it at the girl now completely submerged in the tub hidden from the Dursleys' sight and saying " _Finite Incantatem._ " and Harry sighed with relief, she was much too beautiful, he thought, to hide away.

Slowly Samantha emerged from the water. Vernon who had been stalking closer to the boy to grab him by the scruff of his neck and pull him bodily from _his_ home whimpered "Mommy" even as Petunia backed into a wall.

The green skinned yellow eyed girl stared at the Dursleys with contempt, her mouth opened in a wide green revealing hundreds of sharp teeth.

Petunia would have been scandalized by the fact the woman was topless- and despite his aversion to freakishness Vernon was _staring,_ had she not been utterly terrified.

Then she _screeched_. The windows shattered and Petunia's ears bled.

"What is that, is Mom singing again Dad? Tell her to stop!" Dudley yelled from his room.

"No Big D, it's Samantha, my Merperson wife!" Harry shouted back with a grin, he didn't see what the big deal was, he thought her voice was lovely.

The Twin's Wet Willy candy had saved his relationship once they finally met upon the surface. Maybe he should offer some to the Dursleys? Nah, they'll get used to it.

Speaking of "Oh, by the way, Samantha decided that she'd rather like to live in the Muggle world a bit, so we're going to be crashing on the couch, hope you don't mind."

Samantha giggled, it was really a lovely sound.


	3. Dog Days

Harry had always liked dogs, even if Vernon's sister soured him against them, but those over-grown rabid rats didn't count as dogs in his opinion.

He liked Fang well enough, slobbering beast that he was.

Fluffy had been difficult to really appreciate, granted, but in Harry's defense, the three headed dog _had_ been trying to kill him at the time.

To say nothing of Sirius Black who he thought was rather more of a dog than a person considering his rabid loyalty to Harry. He almost wished Sirius was less like a dog, he might have still been alive.

Dogs, when not outright abused were often the most loyal and loving animals you could imagine.

Sure, Hedwig was all those things- along with being a bit of a Mother-hen, but she wasn't content just lying around being pet for longer than a minute at most, and was simply too dignified a bird to want to play.

So as soon as he got out of Hogwarts, he was determined to get a dog. Sure, events had conspired against him, never bothering to return to Hogwarts after seventh year, not least of which because he was determined to get a dog.

He considered briefly getting a magical dog, but the only one that was easily found, Crups... He didn't really like the fact that they hated muggles. Sure, the Dursley's and fellow residents of Privet Drive hadn't been kind to him, but Hermione's parents were nice enough.

So were the people working at the animal shelters he visited.

Looking through cages he winced, he wished they had more space, but times were tough all over- the secret magical war didn't help England's economy much, not with all the mysterious death and destruction that had plagued the Muggle world.

Shaking his head he kept looking, wanting to find the dog that he would know on sight would be _the_ one for him.

He found her alright. To his shock, she was magical too, a beautiful Shiba Inu that looked like a cross of a dog and a fox, with short ears, a lovely coat of brownish red and white, and a tail that looked like fluffiness incarnate.

He smiled, he had always loved red hair.

It was love at first sight.

* * *

Of course, being fate's whipping boy, he had to get the one magical dog to be found muggle England- or perhaps Wizards and Witches _had_ to have magical animals if any?

There was a definite magical connection forming, he thought, maybe that was why. Perhaps the part of him that was magic craved magic companions?

He'd really have to ask Hermione, but it wasn't in anyway a rush. Let her enjoy returning to Hogwarts, though he really did want to figure out how she was magical.

He laughed and played, petted in the good times, and fretted the time she got sick or got loose, thankfully she always managed to find her way home.

Then came the oddities.

Not many dogs are capable of playing chess, fewer still are capable of winning against Hedwig, who could beat Ron Weasley on a good day.

Naming her was as challenging as naming Hedwig as the dog most fervently disagreed with being called Krypto The Superdog, and didn't care for being called Mary Puppins in the least.

The fury she showed at his suggestion of calling her Kid Killer Mcgee was a sight to see, his pants hadn't quite survived.

Finally, they settled on Pandora.

It was only after he had caught Pandora looking through one of his books in the secret library behind a bookshelf- a must for any wizard living in the muggle world he thought... Well, that settled things.

That dog was smarter than most people.

Getting some chalk and writing every letter revealed something he guessed, he had stumbled upon the dog version of Hermione.

It wasn't long after that he found out just how she was magical, and to his shock it wasn't because of her intelligence.

* * *

"You sure about this? They're awful people..." Harry asked for the thousandth time, he really didn't want to see them again.

Pandora the dog barked once for yes and snorted- translated roughly into 'Get on with it'

Pandora started pulling him out the door by his pants leg when he wasn't quite enough and finally he laughed and said "Fine, fine, come on Pandora."

* * *

A young man walking his dog wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but the busy-bodies of the dullest neighborhood in the world still stopped and stared.

He supposed it might have been the fact that he wasn't wearing ragged hand-me-downs four sizes too large.

Maybe they were just fans of dogs- though from the tutting he gathered they didn't approve of him allowing the dog to walk without a collar.

If it were a normal dog he'd agree, heck, he'd rather have a leash on her just to avoid the stares- sadly every time he put it on her she'd do her hardest to tie _him_ up with it.

"You, what are you doing here you ungrateful freak- here to pay your dues finally?" Vernon sneered out.

"Oh no, I'm here to introduce my girlfriend, well, actually fiance, rather new. Say hello to Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, Pandora."

The dog growled, causing Vernon to back up enough for them to squeeze through.

"Get out you mangy mutt and take your dog with you, it's bad enough I have to put up with Marge's dogs, but no more, not from you!" Petunia sneered in disgust.

Harry blinked, he had rather hoped that the Dursleys would have improved in temperament after being forced on the run for a couple years- he'd finally bothered to tell them the war was over in a letter- and waved off the lack of a return letter to the fact he'd sent an owl mostly.

He suddenly felt less bad about saying "Well, sorry to bother you, but I wanted to introduce my lovely girlfriend here-"

"Is she invisible boy? Get one too many knocks to the head at that Pig Boils place? Good, now that everything's understood get out." Vernon spoke standing to his full height, made rather less intimidating by how far he was keeping away from the dog.

"No, she's right here" Harry waved at Pandora who was currently pulling the TV off the wall by the cord.

Petunia shrieked, and Vernon marched towards the dog- to do what he didn't know but he pulled out his wand in any case even as the TV finally fell to the floor smashing into pieces.

Vernon started moving faster- not nearly fast enough, and Harry watched amused as a frantic Vernon tried to catch the dog who was causing more chaos- sounds of distant crashes, curses and tearing could be heard along with the occasional bark in joy or annoyance as Vernon occasionally saved some of their belongings.

Petunia started full on weeping and panicking, she begged "Please boy, stop it!"

Feeling slightly guilty- then remembering the cupboard he lived in much less he gave out a piercing whistle he had learned to do to call Hedwig- though with two short bursts to differentiate it.

Pandora came running, a red faced Vernon, sweating profusely stumbled after her and looked to be on his last legs even as Pandora jumped into Harry's arms and began licking his face , and from the look on the boy's face of love vomited in the antique vase she herself had managed to save.

"Good girl." Harry said, before whispering "You going to turn back into a human today or leave them in suspense?"

Only Harry Potter, he thought, could manage to find and fall in love with a formerly trapped-in-her-form animagus.


	4. Jeepers

From the first time he had mentioned the Dursleys less than stellar treatment of him, Samantha had seemed to hate them, hissing- well, she always hissed, that was how she talked really.

So the idea of introducing them... Well, honestly he was afraid of what might happen, Samantha was practically spitting angry at them, hissing and raving at the unfairness that, well, that a sweet guy could be born to such monsters. He really didn't like being called sweet, but the fact that Samantha liked _him_ , well, he didn't quite mind _why_ she did.

As long as she didn't become a boy-who-lived groupie. Harry shuddered, Ginny and he hadn't _quite_ worked out- maybe she would have gotten used to him hating his fame, gotten to know him eventually. Sadly after finding the shrine she had built- the doll made of his shed hair, the nail clippings, the pictures... Well, he was flattered, really- but also there was some no little disgust, he really couldn't stay with her after that.

"What in blazes is that?"

Samantha started hissing again, and Harry winced, "That's my girlfriend- and you really should be nice to-"

"Get the tramp out out of here boy-" Samantha's hissing intensified and her green skin started glowing with an inner fire.

"Please stop- Samantha-"

But he was too late, as she went off like a bomb.

Harry sighed, that was the second time this week, rather taught him to pick up his dirty socks.

Thankfully Samantha the Creeper- and really all Creepers were immortal, rather like a more explosive and greener phoenix.

The Dursleys' house wasn't so lucky.

Sighing he started picking up the blocks dropped, considering briefly throwing a golden apple at the crispy Dursleys, but you really shouldn't waste those things. Besides, he needed some more leather.

Of all the games his life had to turn out to be, he was rather thankful it was Minecraft, though though he rather wished he could turn off mob griefing.


	5. Going American

Traveling to America was the best decision the trio made, Harry thought. Why in the world would they stay in England, at constant risk of getting caught despite their wards- impressive though Hermione could make them for year age- when with magic they could return at need? It wasn't like staying in a forest in the middle of no where was likely to get them some magical artifact that would solve or their problems, or a person that could help them get one of the Horcruxes would just wander into their camp.

More important he fell in love.

Hermione didn't understand- didn't like his new relationship, but she had her books and Ron.

Ron just plain didn't understand.

With the help of his new love the trio plus one took care of the Horcruxes with a greater ease than otherwise, with a fortified, well, it was an apartment at least, in Ohio- birthplace of astronauts galore and where no one would go if they had any place else- even if it took hitching a ride to an explosive. _Muggles_. Still , it was perfect for their needs.

Finally he put an end to Voldemort with an ease that seemed to unnerve the Witches and Wizards a great deal. The goblins hadn't liked her much either.

So Harry decided to get going while the going was good. Besides, he figured introducing her to his old family was due.

* * *

"What are you doing with that boy, freaks shouldn't have those!" Petunia screeched.

Vernon smirked, "Tell me boy, did your little stick break?"

"Don't be crude Vernon."

"Sorry Pet."

Harry smirked, "Well, I thought you might want to meet her, after all, she's your niece- the Wizarding world might not like her but they'll let us marry whoever we want."

"Out, I've had enough- don't let me see your face darkening this house again boy, or I'll teach you how to use that little toy of yours." Vernon said with a leer, jealous but rather not trying to show it.

It was over in an instant, several loud bangs destroying every picture frame of the Dursleys in the living room, the smoking hot babe in his hands pointed at Vernon.

"I know what you're thinking: 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

* * *

AN: I'm sorry. Also I don't own the movie "Dirty Harry" or the quote used from it.


	6. Inturlude: A Horny Old Goat

Alpha Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, the most powerful and therefore the most insane of all Dumbledores stared into the abyss, and the abyss stared back at him. It also winked suggestively.

Shaking his head, he grimaced. It just wasn't fair, Harrys of other dimensions he peered into- all Harrys even when they were Harriets- got to have relations with the most interesting of beings. Why couldn't he meet a nice Squid of his own? Or maybe a boy? Was that too much to ask?

Life just wasn't fair, he thought. Shaking his head, he suddenly got an idea.

He frowned as the phoenix Fawkes puked, he hadn't known phoenixes got sick, he hoped it wasn't contagious.

* * *

"What's this power I'm supposed to have?" Harry asked skeptically with no little anger.

"Love." Dumbledore said, frowning, it wasn't supposed to be _funny_ , why was the Boy laughing?

* * *

"You know, I have a scar on my thigh of the London Underground... Would you like to see it Harry?" Dumbledore sighed as Harry rejected his offer, what else could he do? Eyes widening he finally did the one magical act he refused in his long life to attempt, not with his Brother still alive at any rate.

* * *

"Harry my dear boy, tell me, did you know I am a goat animagus?" Harry shook his head looking rather interested. "Would you like to see? Perhaps in my quarters...?" Dumbledore asked with hopeful eyes.

* * *

"This is my boyfriend- er, Al, yeah, Al the goat" Harry told an incensed Vernon and a very confused Dudley and a green around the gills Petunia.

Her nausea rapidly turned to anger when she saw the goat eating her prized flower garden. All her- well, the boy's hard work going to waste.

"Bah!" the world's happiest and smuggest goat said.


	7. Power He Knows Not

Harry smiled brightly as he and his love apparated to Surrey. This was strange not only because he hated Surrey and everything it stood for, and because he was holding hands with a person that had wanted to kill him as little as a few months ago.

Finding out they were both immortal unless the other tried to kill them... Well, that changed things, didn't it?

Hashing out the details of their oaths, they were soon swearing to never take up arms or order others to do so for them- along with a list of people they were to try their best never to harm.

The Dursleys weren't on the list, of course.

Thinking back on it, it made a sick kind of sense Harry thought.

Dudley's parents had thrice defied Voldemort- more than thrice really. First off, they were muggles- that was one. Second, they were taking care of a Wizarding child- something that neither felt should happen, not after their experiences with the same, not to mention the little thing known as the witch hunts. Strike three was them actively hurting and abusing him, his Horcrux.

Back then all he knew was that Voldemort thought that they should suffer agonizing pain before begging for death for mistreating him so long.

Of course, it was only after Dudley Dursley shot Lord Voldemort with a shotgun in the gut that Voldemort and Harry had realized their folly. Marked by too much affection and not enough discipline by Voldemort through the Dursleys. The overcompensating for having a freak to mistreat by his very actions a Halloween long ago marking Dudley as surely as any scar.

Harry quickly disarmed Dudley before he could turn the gun upon him, while Petunia shrieked and Vernon stomped towards Harry to throttle him. Harry was left to defend himself even as he dealt with the conflicting emotions brought on by the latest death of Voldemort.

The fire was quite pretty, the blood wards seemed to burn black.


	8. A Potter Parade

Harry smiled as he strolled down the street with his family. The miniature parade ended at the forth house down, and Harry knocked.

"What in bloody blazes are you doing here with a virtual zoo?" An angry Vernon questioned upon seeing the half dozen or so _things_ standing in _his_ yard as if they were monsters- and in fairness they could be if provoked.

"I wanted to introduce you to my wife..."

"Oh sweet heavens, don't tell me you've knocked up a creature, boy"

"Alright I won't tell you." Harry nodded agreeably.

Vernon looked rather sick, "Which one is it?"

"Huh, where did Luna go?" Harry asked looking around.

Vernon nearly smiled when a pretty blonde number appeared behind the Spinx waving brightly "Hi, wow, you have a lot of Wrackspurts, did you know?"

Vernon was so relieved he didn't have a creature for a Niece-In-Law but rather a normal girl, that he ignored the nonsense about whacking spurts.


	9. Too Horrible To Be Real

Marge Dursley marched up to the the door and rang the bell, a small dog clutched in her arms.

"Marge, you made it! Come in, come in!" The fat woman smiled slightly at her equally hefty brother, "Yes, no thanks to this one- kept me up all night" she said patting the tiny Bulldog in her arm.

The small dog growled at that, "Now now Snookums, calm down... go ahead and change back." Marge said even as Petunia entered the room with a tea set.

The dog leapt out of the woman's arms and transformed into Harry Potter causing Petunia to spill the tea set even as Vernon was shouting "Boy!"

"Oh do calm down Vernon, my Snookums needs to stretch his legs, I do keep him rather confined at times." Marge Dursley said looking fondly at him.

"It's okay Love, you know I like it." Harry said, sounding smitten.

"Oh Snookums, come give Mummy kisses" The older woman said patting her lap.

Vernon's face reddened in confusion and rage, embarrassment and disgust as he saw his Sister kissing his nephew obscenely while he was sitting on her lap.

* * *

"I can't believe we did that!" Harry said laughing after having brushed his teeth and rinsed his mouth out a few times.

Tonks tried not to be too offended as she laughed with him, it had been rather fun. That'll show that Walrus to look to hurt her honorary little Brother.

For Harry's part he was just glad he finally got a use out of his animagus form. This one's for you, Sirius.


	10. Eating The Family

"Why did he want us to meet him all the way in the middle of bloody no where?" The man asked the woman frustrated.

The small valley surrounded by mountains was a rather nice looking place but one the two would go out of their place to visit really.

"I don't know, but he probably has some reason, you know how he is... Probably thinks he's being funny, you really shouldn't have encouraged that."

"But-"

"Hey guys, glad you could make it." Harry Potter said cheerfully.

"Harry- what's going on?" The man asked before the woman could harp any more.

"Oh, I wanted you to meet... well, they don't really have marriage but I consider her my wife..."

"What!" "When did this happen?"

"Oh, it was-" An earthquake could be felt and heard, the trembling ground in a rythm that grew to such heights until the very Sun was blocked, day nearly turning to night in the shadows.

They looked up and the older man- who would later deny it to his dying day screamed like a little girl.

Harry merely smiled and waved at the cause.

"My son is so manly!" Lily Potter screamed after James got himself under control.

"That's a whole lot of woman." James Potter said eyeing the massive behemoth wearing a loin cloth and... well, a loin cloth.

"James, behave!" Lily snapped slapping the back of his head.

"Fine fine, lets ignore the giant in the valley, muggles find no problem ignoring elephants in rooms- after all your sister-" James started before Lily slapped the back of his head harder.

"Anyway guys" A blushing Harry interrupted one of their many fights, though it was thankfully all in good fun and not domestic violence that had scarred him for life, "This is my wife, Bestla Potter"

The blushing 3 story tall bride blushed. "Nice to meet you, glad I don't have to eat you."

"Eat?!" James nervously asked, having to shout his question to be heard- that's his story and he's sticking to it.

"If ye were to freak, me would have had to eat" the giantess shrugged.

"Bestla means if you attacked her." Harry clarified. He didn't know why his love spoke in rhyme when even other giants spoke fine- if even more broken English, but he found he liked the simple things in life, and well... Harry found it rather endearing.

"Wait, how do you and her-" James started before a third smack on the back of his head that absolutely wasn't domestic violence despite James falling face first into the ground and not getting up again.

"James, stop playing around, and get up, you know you shouldn't ask about our Son's sex life in front of him- you know how embarrassed he gets- look at him, he's blushing!"

"Fine." James muttered mutinously, getting up brushing himself off.

"Father of Harry is not so scary. I am glad to meet, now lets eat." The giantess said booming with booming laughter.

"She didn't mean us, right?"

"James!"

Harry sighed rather embarrassed, but at least his lovely bride seemed to find the whole thing rather funny.


End file.
